Motorcycle Ride

The wheels roll underneath me,
Engine rumbles, landscape flies,
The road opens out before us,
Clouds dot gray winter skies.

Wind roars through my helmet,
Deafening all sound outside my head.
I hear my soul singing through,
Past tears I once had shed.

Feel the hurt of old wounds,
Then the rush of your body, hard,
Pressed up against my open soul,
Soothing all which had been scarred.

In chaos I hear nothing,
But the whispers of last night,
Your heavy breath of lustful passion,
Sends my heart in blissful flight.

I squeeze you ever tighter,
You pull the throttle closer still,
My life abandoned to you,
My essence at your will.

The rush of air envelopes me,
And washes out my sighs,
From memories of love we made,
Still wet between my thighs.

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Another Nightmare

I dreamed of my mother last night. She had me in her grasp, and the look on her face was so sinister. Filled with terror, I was limp, unable to move or fight, as she held 5 long hat pins against my left cheek, ready to plunge them into me.

"I love the way this feels," she spewed, with a chilling smile.

I knew what she meant. The authority, the control, the ability to cause harm satisfied her need to be powerful.

Somehow, my arms came back to life again. I knocked all of the pins from her hands but one. I took the remaining pin from her, and shoved it into her face, to protect myself. I wanted to get her off of me, to run, to get away. As I pulled it from her, her smile widened.

"You're just like me. You enjoyed that. You're filled with my venom."

To be like her is my greatest fear. I want something so different for my life, yet cannot find a way to be rid of the fear, the hate, and the anger. When crossed, I become hateful and obsessively plot revenge. It eats away at me. When I don't follow through with the acts my conscience is eased over time, but holding my anger back is painful. If I follow through, I hate myself instead.

I want to be free.

As I stood before her, with her blood on my hands, I became sick inside. Waking, I sat up in bed, feeling the vomit rising in my throat, and began to cry.

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Runaway Train

My strength is a misguided freight train, barreling along the wrong tracks. This undeniable strength, admired by so many, has the potential to steer me off course, and when fueled by anger, the train runs away.

In the tunnel I can't see the tracks. I can't see anything. I hear the steel wheels screech along the rails, grinding, twisting, burning metal, straining to remain on the path. My destination is blocked from view in the dark, black, brick tunnel. Yet, I shovel angry coals into the bowels of the beast with the steam pouring from my chimney. Sparks fly, from the wheels, from the shovel, from you and me, as the friction eats away at us.

I want to find the brake. I want to find the release. I want to stop the train.

The angry coals pour out of the coffers of the coal car. I look deep inside the car to see the seemingly endless source of the coal, as it pours out of the top and spills along the tracks behind my runaway train. Below the coal car is a pipeline from the long row of freight cars behind. Fourty-six cars, one for each year of my life, all filled with fear. Each car pumps the fear into the coal car, and magically, the fear becomes anger. Black, angry coals to fuel my passion, and fuel my destruction.

I want to find the brake. I want to find the release. I want to stop the train.

My place is in the engine, furiously shoveling angry coals into the inferno that powers my runaway train. All of that strength with which I'm so endowed steers me along on a course of sure destruction.

I want to find the brake. I want to find the release. I want to stop the train.

No lever. No brake. No release. No choice. I leap for relief.

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I Hope You Know

I hope you know I love you,
And I want you to stay,
That I am only human,
And I had lost my way.
You truly are my happiness,
You are the reason I pray!

I wish that I were stonger,
Sometimes I am so weak.
But peace with myself,
Is truly all that I seek.
I know that life without you,
Today would be bleak.

I hope you know that I love you. . .
I hope you know. . .
I hope you know.

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Song of Hope

I couldn't help but love you
So sure you were meant for me
But loving you hurt another
Loving you wasn't free

I struggle with my conscience
I struggle with belief
A spring of pain in my heart
For another, a flood of grief

I can't help but love you
Be grateful for today
Listen to the song we make
Hoping it will guide the way

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The Red Shoes

I wanted the red shoes
Like all the girls had
Just a plain pump
It was just the fad

But you knew better . . .

For Christmas that year
Under the tree
Were the red shoes that you
Wanted to give me

An open toed pump
With a big, red bow
When I saw them I didn’t
Know how to show

I was so wounded . . .

I wanted to fit in
Be like the rest
But you told me that these
Shoes would be best

You told me that I
Should never forget
That people like me
Should take what I get

I didn’t understand . . .

You explained to me
That I’m not the same
As the other girls
Like I wanted to claim

I was inferior somehow
Just not as good
Deep down I was flawed
I now understood

It wasn’t really about shoes . . .

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Trust

It isn't that I don't trust you
It is simply that I am so afraid
The world has been so harsh for me
The past has been so painful, you see
To trust was the one mistake I made

I want to feel your love, I do
But to feel the good I must allow
Myself to feel the bad somehow
And live knowing I may be hurt by you

I know pain will come in all things
Take a chance, often regret it brings
Yet in the dawn, hope in my heart springs

I must try, or I will know
My worst fear, that you will go

Please, be patient with me.

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My Sin

Today it's clear and I can see
I'm not what you wanted from me
I lack the qualities you had sought
With flaws and cracks, I am wrought

Judge me now by your yardstick
Your judgement makes me deeply sick
I stand for what I know is right
Though not within your narrow sight

Be myself and away will fall
The chaff from wheat of friends I call
Be yourself and do not hide
Who you think you are inside

Your ugliness has reared it's head
And judged in me where my path led
Love me for who you see
Or take yourself away from me

I won't live for another again
For this seems to be my only sin.

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Fear and Peace

There is that pang I know all to well
The pang of fear that is my Hell
Fear that grips my insides tight
Fills me with the dark of night

How I wish to run away
From the fear that is today
Fear I create unwillingly
Fear of which I'm never free

When will come the peace I seek
Release me from my darkness bleak
Fear can't live where peace resides
Please, peace come and live deep inside

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Summer

In raging summer, oh! So grand,
I met a flood upon my land.
You washed over with a flood of fire,
Released me from the muck & mire.

Entrenched in mud from my own tears,
Imprisoned by my life of fears.
Cleanse from me all things past.
I pray, I pray our summer last.

Build and stoke my soul aflame!
Release the animal untamed!
Bite, bend, arch and claw,
Forgive all with empassioned flaw.

Rain upon my land so dry,
Kiss away the tears we cry.
Weep with passion, weep with pain!
Weep because it's all the same.

Burn with heat of summer sun,
Burn, my life has just begun!

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Quiet

Oh quiet my mind, lover true
Penetrate my soul with you
Sing your song of silence blue
Meet me in the place we knew

Clear away my clouds of grief
Fill my heart with your belief
Steal my pain just like the theif
Crush it to bits, the autumn leaf

Abyss consumes, reverberates
Shaking walls, my body quakes
Release abounds, tears and shakes
Until again, my trembling waits

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Close My Eyes

When I am afraid I close my eyes. Turning my head upwards, I relax and surrender. Amazingly,the danger always seems to pass me by, and I am unharmed.

Perhaps there was no danger after all. Perhaps my perception blurred reality, and faith is all I needed.

Why do I fear needlessly? Why do I trust what I see instead of what I know?

I feel you, your protection all around me, as it has always been. When will I learn to close my eyes?

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Demons From My Past

Darkness consumed my heart,
Clouded my mind
The isolation of neglect
Had seated in my heart
So deep, for so long,
That I knew no love
Of love I longed to be a part.

I longed to feel your touch
In my soul,
Not just upon my skin
To hear your song with
Not ears but love
To believe it true deep within

I had been alone so long
I didn't see
Sabotaging my own happiness,
They say
Couldn't let your love in
Standing in my own way

In the darkness I found Hell
Cast away the demons from my past
Today is a new day, full of tomorrows
Today I know that love can last

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A Thousand Miles

A thousand miles from home
You took yourself away
How was I to tell you
That I wanted you to stay

If what I feel is love
Then it seems I never knew
What love could be and
What there was that's true

I have lied so long
That now I am so scared
That it's my heart you've touched
And my soul that I have bared

The trust it comes
And then it goes
The fear subsides
And then it grows

A thousand miles away
You come to me today
What would make you come
So far for you to say?

A thousand miles I've come
So many more to go

A thousand miles, a thousand miles, a thousand miles I know.

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Today

Life’s not what’s supposed to happen. If life is anything, it’s just today. It’s not the plans we make for ourselves and what we expect to happen. It’s now. It’s today.

I find that I keep seeing down the road, only to find that it's an apparition. Like the heat floating on the asphalt, giving the illusion of something that's not there. I believe in something I think I see, only to drive along and find it was never really there.

Perhaps I saw what I wanted to see, not what truly lie ahead. Perhaps I saw what I feared, creating my own hell. Either way, what I saw was only fallacy, because we can't look into tomorrow. There is only today. Tomorrow is a figment of our imagination, every time.

To be blindsided only proves that I had expectations.

To be disappointed only proves I had a preconceived idea, one that was inaccurate.

I had no business looking ahead. Today is all there is. Right now.

Right now I don't feel anything. Right now I am numb. Right now I don't want to try anymore. Right now I am building the walls back where they were, where I am safe, where no one can come in. Right now I know that my heart is broken.

I'm going to sleep now, and I'm no longer counting on tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come.

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Asking for Myself

I never knew that I could ask for something for myself.
My needs were met by me alone, often pushed back on a shelf.

You rode away, my heart broke; I didn't know where you were headed,
And if that journey led back to me, or if our love you had regretted.

How was I to tell you just how badly that I needed you,
To hold me close and reassure that your love for me is really true.

I don't know how to believe in another human being.
I don't know in my heart that believing is seeing.

To ask for something for myself seems so damned selfish!
But I know no other way to relieve the prison of my anguish.

All I can offer to you is the truth that lies inside,
I promised you I would ask before I run and hide.

So here I am asking for you to hold me tight,
I have to ask, I have to ask,
even if asking isn't right.

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Goodbye

Through my tears I see that I
Must learn how to say Goodbye
Goodbye is just about letting go
Tied up with a different bow
It's so hard to make a moment last
When life is flying by so fast
The words escape me when I try
To fight the tears to say. . . Goodbye.

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Let Go

He pulled me close with his right arm, my head against his chest.

Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa. . . his heart beat began to quicken. The excitement was most likely from thoughts of the trip he was taking.

Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa. . . remaining still, in hopes that he would hold me until he felt ready to break away, not because he felt me stir.

Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa. . . fighting back the tears, trying to remain in the moment, as I knew it wouldn't last.

Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa. . . soaking in his scent, feeling the strength of his body, his grip, his muscular hands.

Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa. . . pushing away the thoughts of the impending pain of missing him so.

Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa. . . his hands begin to stroke my back, and I know that this means he's ready to let go.
Let go.

I have to let go.

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Skin

Consumed in scent of musky air

Deep in folds of tender skin

My buried face, my heart enthralled

Of ecstasy from deep within

Your thunderous roar of slumber groans

From throat to room to ear

But buried in your neck I find

I cannot be too near

Longing stirs even though

The love we made still lingers

Upon my thighs, deep inside,

With scent upon my fingers

Your skin beckons touch, sublime

To resist I am unable

Though full I find that I cannot

Push myself back from the table

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Alone

In what concerns you much, do not think that you have companions: know that you are alone in the world. ~ Henry David Thoreau

There is a place I seek to find,
To soothe my heart and rest my mind,
A place where I am not alone,
A sanctuary I can call home.

Today I've found my home in you,
A generous love that is so true,
Pure and honest from within,
The truth that I have never been.

I fight the fear that lives inside,
That makes me want to run and hide,
The fear of loss and of the pain,
It seems I'm loving you in vain.

I build the walls, I run away,
You reach to me and tell me stay.
The trust does grow but fear does cry,
"Don't open your heart, don't even try!"

No longer am I all alone.
In your arms I've found my home.
Please hold me close until I know,
I really didn't want to go.

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At Forty-Five

I found myself at forty-five
Released from all the ties that bind
Not just my heart, but in my mind
I found myself at forty-five

I love myself at forty-five
Know who I am, and why I cry
Know how to laugh and how to try
I love myself at forty-five

I live my life at forty-five
No longer do I need to hide
Or live behind the lies I’ve lied
I live my life at forty-five

I found love at forty-five
Not love of man, but all mankind
Love I thought I’d never find
I found love at forty-five

I know my heart at forty-five
I know my dreams deep inside
See who I am and fill with pride
I know my heart at forty-five

I want to live at forty-five
I want to learn, I want to thrive
I want to grow, not just survive
I want to live at forty-five

I found myself at forty-five
Finally free and so alive
My heart reborn, my soul revived
I found myself at forty-five

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Pain of Sin

I dreamed my Lover came to me and told me not to fear.

I dreamed my Father came to me and told me he was near.

I woke awash in moonlight knowing sunlight was my terror,

Because I felt that there was no forgiveness of my selfish error.

Put myself before all others was the crime I had committed.

The truth that lie inside my heart I had finally admitted,

By looking in my Lover's soul, he had harmed another.

Pushed passed the limits of right and wrong so we could be together.

The pleasure of the love we've shared served as my only Novocaine.

To numb the pain inside myself that had filled me with such great disdain.

I long to be released from the prison of my judgement,

But the longing to escape myself simply refuses to just relent.

I dreamed my Lover came to me and told me not fear.

I dreamed my Father came to me and told me he was near.

I want so badly to believe them and forgive all my wrongdoing.

It was not to harm, but to just to love, the goal I was pursuing.

But harm befell, and tears were shed and a heart cries out in vain,

And with every tear that's shed by her adds to the prison of my pain.

How can I look into the eyes of others and know that I've done right,

When I wake awash with my deep guilt at the end of every night?

To be released from my own sin would be my greatest gift.

I know that this great burden is mine alone to lift.

I dreamed my Lover came to me and told me not to fear.

I dreamed my Father came to me and told me he was near.

Today I will begin to tear away at this exacerbated pain,

And believe that all I've done has not been all in vain.

I need a shred of truth to hold to push forward and forgive.

I need to grasp the hand of God to believe that I should live.

Please reach for me Father, and forgive me for my sins.

Heal the break that allows the pain to seep from deep within.

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Free to Love

The lines between what what was right and what was wrong blurred the moment I met you. The things I had been taught, the things I taught myself, all changed when I felt your electricity. In your presence each belief I held about myself somehow changed, and the world became a confusing place.

I was taught not to trust. I was taught that love comes with conditions. I was taught that religion was to be held above spirituality, and that God would be angry if I faulted.

I believed I was destined to be alone in my heart and that love was only something I could feel for others, but no one could feel for me. I believed I was unworthy of happiness and peace. I believed that you would never come.

Then you did. And I felt it all in one moment. Every moment built upon the last, and every thought exchanged only deepened my desire to know you more. Your touch released a passion in me I never knew was there, and your kiss burned your spirit into my heart. You have penetrated my my soul with your being.

You broke down all of my boundaries, and I broke all of my rules to come to you. I have never been happier in my life than when I am with you. I have never felt so free to love. Even more, I have never felt so free to love myself. I belong to no one. I don't owe anything to anyone except to be the best human being I can be to everyone, equally. And the lie I have been living up until now was unfair; to everyone, but most of all, to myself.

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Everywhere

Drenched with thirst
For your kiss
To breathe your breath
To chew your words
And swallow them like chocolate
Smooth, sweet, satiating

Lust claws at me
From an unknown depth
Ravenous for your touch
Your hands,
Your mouth,
Your kiss,
Your tongue
To breathe your words into me

Listen
My heart is trembling
For your hands
To wash over me
Exploring my outside
Revealing me inside

Look into my eyes
Let me look into yours
I see the abyss of secrets
Thoughts, ideas, desires
Kiss me with your ideas
Breathe into me your dreams
Lick my tongue and taste my desire

Touch me everywhere

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Sing to me

I heard it in one word
You washed over me
As rain must hit the ground
As rivers to the sea

I heard not the words you said
I heard the sound you emanate
A song my soul had sung
My mind began to salivate

Sing more words
The way you do
Without a voice
They still come through
Sing to me
I hear your song
For your next verse
My heart does long

You love the words as I
Not spoken but in pen
They fill me deep inside
They flood me from within

Like your kiss
When you're inside
My mouth, my teeth
No where to hide
You feel me shake
You wear my skin
My body aches
Deep deep within

Sing your song
I long to view
Everything
Inside of you
Let me in
Your mind so deep
I want to hear
The songs you keep

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The Seedling

There is a little seedling
Hidden deep inside
This tiny piece of me
That I must keep inside

I keep her from the world
And hold her near my heart
Afraid to let her out
And just be torn apart

She never sees the sunlight
She never knows the rain
She never sees a smile
She never sees the pain

So pure and oh, so precious
I must keep her safe within
She never gets to grow
Her life cannot begin

You looked into my eyes
You saw into my heart
You tilled up all the soil
And gave my seedling a start

You touched her with your words
You touched her with your hands
You shined the sun upon her
You shared with her your land

Your smile gave her hope
To grow up to the sky
You gave back to me the faith
That I just have to try

She's growing toward the sun
She's gazing at the stars
She knows not what lies ahead
Or of the road so far

She grows because she must
She's pushing from inside
Her tiny little blossom
No longer can I hide

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What Have I Done?

I am asking myself, "Seriously, what have I done?" The magnitude of my choices overwhelm me from time to time. What have I done, indeed.

Life shouldn't be reactionary, it should be a thoughtful, plotted course of action, based on good decisions, humanity, healthy living, and kindness. Yea, right. I see my life over years and years as an odd balance of some good, well thought decisions and many emotion-filled, gut reactions. Sometimes the good decisions are a repair for my gut reactions, and sometimes it goes the other way around.

My marriage was a good decision. Wise, well thought choice, in the best interest of others. I had no time to think of myself, because I was last on the list of importance. My happiness fell somewhere below taking care of my daughter, paying bills, and having stability. Over time, my happiness fell completely off the radar, and I was left with the wreckage of my good decision.

When it was over I swore "Never Again!" I would never feel for anyone, I would never let anyone in, let anyone see inside, feel my love, feel my pain. He had robbed me of the desire to know love because after that marriage I didn't believe love was real; it was nothing but a lie.

Then came you. You were this emotion-driven, passion-filled, wild, untamed, irrational, reaction. Your first kiss sent all reason out of my mind, all logic, and left me writhing in desire. I felt you. You were the first thing I had felt in years, and I wanted to feel you again and again.

In the quiet moments, I look at the wreckage of my gut reaction, and question myself. I ponder the harm I've caused others, the harm I may have caused you, the harm I may be causing myself that I just don't see on the horizon, and I worry that there's some price to pay for all of this joy.

You touch my hand, smile at me, and I see my home in your eyes, and suddenly, I don't remember what I was thinking. . .

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Coffee Shop

The couple tickles and giggles behind me

In the coffee shop on their first date

Looking at one another with hope and promise

Willing to gamble for that taste of fate

I see you across the table from me

You're working with concerted endeavor

Furrowed brow, mind filled with thought

Typing your words with determined fervor

Do you know I watch you? Long for you? That I can't concentrate when the wind blows over you and fills me with your scent?

Your eyes are filled with thoughts and spirit

My heart is filled with a hope come true

I found my love, my promise, my fate

When I found my home inside of you.

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Drop of Water

I am a drop of water on the enormous oceans surface

Though completely infintesimal I still have a great purpose.

Can't move the mighty mountain, only push a grain of sand

But with strength of heart and fortitude I am a flood upon the land

Destination blindness won't prevent my destiny

As the forces of the universe work in harmony with me

The wind does blow, the tide does rise to push me along the way

Is it me or is it God, for certain I can't say

The path that lay before me is surely mine alone to fill

To reach my full potential I must gather all my will

No stone may block, no force can hold a drop of water on it's way

Push ahead, must push ahead, my destiny today.

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Kiss You

I kissed your lips goodbye, sweet Love
Though only for the day
But now the sun's begun to set
And led me far away

The love you gave, the love you took
Filled my heart with joy unmeasured
Those kisses you gave with ecstasy
In my heart I'll always treasure

Speak well of me in days ahead
Remember how our souls met
With love I leave you here and now
And our time I'll not regret

So kiss me in your sleep tonight
When I come to see your smile
Our souls met and loved one another
If only for awhile

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In The Evening

In the evening when I am tired

And reflect back upon the day

On all I've done and haven't

I wonder have I lost my way

What was the goal when

I abandoned my life's road

Stood at the crossing and made

The best decision I could?

Shedding so many tears

Weeping at night alone

Lived the life I had chosen

Reaping the seeds I'd sewn

I made a break. . .

If I have no expectations

Then I won't be disappointed

Feeling my path is one

That God tenderly anointed

Ease my heart dear Lord

For tonight I am feeling weak

Purpose eludes me now

Your answers I do seek

In the evening when I am tired

And the morning light so far

I wonder how long the dark

Will be until it is tomorrow.

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Inside My Soul

I lost all hope when my friend died

I lost my soul with each tear I cried

I was a shell, but to all I lied

Because I had nothing left inside

I slipped away as I felt alone

No where I went was my home

A smile I wore, but no joy in me

My shame was I had become empty

I walked the path that laid out before

With no desire inside for more

To think of them and not to be

Was the only choice for me

At night I cried for all I'd lost

My sorrow deep, my soul the cost

I lay alone in an empty bed

Closed off my heart, turned off my head

When hope stepped in I saw a light

To face my life through all my fright

And take the step to lead me home

Inside my soul, to be my own

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Faith To Fall

Standing on the edge of the abyss,

I take the leap,

Nothing more that a meek step,

Who knows how deep.

Moving at the speed of light,

The wind rushes past

My chest overwhelmed with fear

Nothing on which to grasp

Pushing the pedal to it's limit

Turn the volume high

Staying within the white street lines

Flying too fast to cry

My heart is full of fear

My blood pumps in my ears

My hands an empty grasp

The wind is rushing fast

I can't catch my breath

I'm sure to meet my death

This is the end of me

I feel I'm falling free

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Cambria

I looked out from the bluff
Into the setting sun
I felt so old inside
Even though I was so young

I had trudged the road so long
With no one at my side
My earliest memories of
The many nights I cried

I missed my Father. My earliest memory is of missing him.

At 21 years old
I had lived a million years
Had drawn my heart inside
Washed away with all the tears

I looked into the sea
Planned on my return
That day upon the bluff
Unrelentingly I yearned

To come back the person I dreamed I could be
To live in a pink house with a garden by the sea

To write about my life
And the people I had known
Tell the story of the girl
Who started out alone

To live my days in peace
Tend to my garden fine
To smile looking back
Upon the years that had been mine

I want to go back one day to Cambria.

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Below

I chose to surround myself
With those who could not see
Beneath the facade I wear
And see beyond to me

I write because I must
My soul it longs to breathe
Cryptic messages it whispers
Deep from darkend dreams

I wake with words within
I'm forced to write them out
A whimper from my heart
To words I am devout

Sacred, private messages
Expound from fingertips
Words not meant to ever come
Across my teeth and lips

Read not what's on the surface
That is all for show
For all that I encounter
Compelled to hide the glow

The the secret voice that cries
For pen, paper, and hand
To write my soul outside
Relent to its command

No one could ever see
The secret inside of me
To read my words and know
That more lies just below

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