Saturday, May 18, 2013

Tortured with Poison

"Such a sad life I've had!"
The cry so many times to pass my lips.
So unfairly treated, painfully neglected,
Abused, child alone, unprepared for the world.

A world so cruel, with men who used me,
"All men are hateful! They stab my heart!"
Abused, cheated, injured.
To never trust again, carried my sorrow.

My sorrow painfully burdened my shoulders,
Burned my heart, hardened my purpose.
"Why should I love, when no one loves me?"
Why should happiness evade me so?

Happiness was mine to have, all along.
Had I looked I'd have seen how wrong,
It was to hate with poison strong,
To carry this burden, for Oh! so long.

Let it go, set sorrow to sail,
Goodbye to hurt with one huge wail,
Left behind, don't tell the tale,
Mending my heart, though so frail.

Fractured from my own abuse,
Holding hate I thought I'd use,
Protected me but made recluse,
It was only love that I did lose.

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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Behind the Walls of Stone

Steve, my words are broken, convoluted, muddy, thick and bereft of reality. I struggle to take meaning to words, but they twist and break with emotion. My speech betrays my heart, my soul, my truth.

The poison spews and contaminates all we have, not from malice, but from failure. My shortcomings, emotion, ignorance, weakness, pain, and fear ruin all that's spoken and pelt you with stones of failure; my failure.

My weakness comes between heart, soul and my tongue, polluting my intent with hostility.

The failure, my own.

My pain screams within me, unheard, angry only at my own shortcoming in being inarticulate and true. The child inside weeps and relents, giving up all hope of being understood.

I shall go back now to building the walls I trusted to tear down. There is no hope any longer. I did my best to be honest and intimate. I have failed. Tonight I will begin putting back in place the blocks I had so bravely torn away. Tonight I realize I'm not fit for intimacy.

The walls that once protected me became a prison. Now I realize I'm doomed to spend eternity behind them knowing I'm not worthy or fit to be free from them. My inability to communicate only causes harm to others. To you. The man I love. To love is not to harm, but to care. All I share is pain. Because I love you I will lock myself away to protect you. I'm not capable of sharing, poisoned as I am.

Convicted, ruined, worthless, society is safer with me where I belong. Behind the walls of stone. Steve, it's because I love you and truly want to protect you that I must lock myself away, for I realize now I will never be able to be intimate with you without constantly harming you. My ignorance, lack of skills, lack of experience, and my inability will never overcome my desire to show you my love and share my heart. I'm too broken. I'm unworthy. I'm poison for you, for everyone.

My only ability is to harm. Like a convicted murderer, I am not fit. Prison is where I belong.

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About Sash

People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the naughty, biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)