Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Nothing To Give

Since the well ran dry,
I have no gifts to give,
I have no money to lend,
But have my life to live

You turn away from me,
No love in your heart,
Now it must be time,
For our paths to part.

You found those who pity,
And take you in,
Feel your pain,
Forgive your sin,

Ask no questions,
But take your word true,
Praise and love,
And comfort you.

Now that I have nothing
To give, I see
You have nothing
Inside for me.

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Friday, November 23, 2012

Letter to my Exx

The lies in our driveway
You are a lie.

I can't even begin to count all of the lies you told in 15 years. To others, to me and to yourself.

You told me you were in law enforcement. That was a lie. There was no LAPD, no Police Academy. Lies. That bail enforcement bit you did for a couple of weeks, that I did with you, lasted the blink of an eye, like every other hobby you tried. When you didn't catch anyone, after wasting hundreds of dollars, money we couldn't afford to waste, it was all over. But to the world, you lied. All made up stories of your years in law enforcement. Lies.

You didn't play drums in a band. Unless you call your high school band a band. Hell, your instructor didn't even remember you! He remembered everyone else in the class, asking you about them, but not you. You barely even played drums at home for 15 years; only one tune did you know and you played that once every 2 years when I would wonder why we had the drums even set up. All lies.

You didn't know Tae Kwon Do, at all. You lied about having a 3rd degree black belt, only for me to find out years later it was all a lie. You didn't have a 3rd degree brown belt in Kung Fu either. Nothing more than a blue belt that you earned as a teenager when your Mom drove you to class. All the rest was a lie. When that instructor we met put you on the spot, I was humiliated as you admitted to him that you had a blue belt, after 15 years of being lied to. I stood silently, disgusted by yet another lie.

I should have known when the Kung Fu weapons hung on the wall gathering dust for all of those years. You touched them less than the drums. The were all part of your Museum of Impression; something to show visitors so you could brag about a past you didn't have. Just like your education, your big stories of bagging girls while cruising and your exaggerated tales of biking, hiking, running and surfing. All lies.

Nothing more than a high school diploma, but you told me so much more. A bike with all of the expensive gear that stood in our garage collecting as much dust as the drums, the weapons, and your other props. The surfboard you never owned, the running you never did, the hikes we never took.

The promises broken. While dating you spoke of trips we would take, but unless your company paid the bill, we never went anywhere. In 15 years the only place you took me was Laughlin with the kids once and Taco Bell on Friday nights. How anyone could think Taco Bell or McDonalds was a night out every Friday is still beyond me! That was our whole social life; fast food. Not even a trip to the movie theater in 10 years, or to any other event of any kind. Fast food. That was our life.

Church was a lie. You promised we would go, week after week, but you never did. I went alone, so you punished me. The same with the Marriage Counselor. For over a year you promised we would talk about it next week. Then the day I came I said I was leaving and you said you would go with me to the therapist. When I spoke openly to the therapist, you smiled and lied to her, only to scream at me all the way home, calling me the dirtiest words you could muster, for telling the truth. You shouted that those were private details that I wasn't allowed to share with anyone, ever. It was therapy. "Therapy is worthless if we lie," I cried. You threatened me with pain if I opened my mouth again.

The promises that we could afford the "hobby" cars were all lies. One car after the other filled our driveway as more and more bills piled up unpaid. Mustang, another Mustang, another Mustang, an Infiniti, another Mustang, just to fill that empty hole where your integrity should have been.

Your ability to handle money was all a lie. Your need to control money was real; I walked around with nothing more than $5 in my wallet for 10 years straight while you drove us into bankruptcy twice and a foreclosure. You kept me from working full time because you needed to watch me, control me, own me. You couldn't blame me for our money problems because you wouldn't let me earn anything and because I wasn't even allowed to see the bills, the checkbook or your paystubs. I dutifully handed my check over every month, blindly trusting my husband who was nothing more than a lie. Was anything real?

The shopping addiction was real. The thousands of dollars in car parts and improvements, not to mention all of the cars we bought but couldn't afford, those were real. The bills that went unpaid while you fed your addiction were real. The bankruptcy judgements, those were real. The anguish I felt when I had to beg the church for money, go to the food pantry for food, pray on my knees, day after day, that God help us, that was all real.

The emotional and verbal abuse from you was real too. The control you needed over me was real. The demeaning insults, the screaming, the tantrums, the pain, the fear; that was all real. Hitting the floor when you struck me, that last weekend before I left, that was real. Your foot on the back of my head, the threats of my brains being squeezed on the carpet of our closet, those were real. You, you were a lie.

All of that pain in you I wanted to fix. I wanted to help you. I wanted to see you smile, take care of you, love you. I know now that you couldn't love. You feared that no one loved you because your parents never told you they loved you as a kid. You feared that you would never be loved. And you were right. No one can love you because no one knows you. You hide everyday behind the lies of who you are, who you were, where you've been and what you've done.

I never knew you because all you fed me were lies. I couldn't love you because every time I thought I knew you, knew something about you, it turned out to be a lie. 15 long years of lies, only to find out days before I left that there were more lies that I had based my life on. It seemed your parents backed up every lie while we were dating, but as the years of marriage wore on, the truth began to seep through as the stories you told unraveled. The last conversation with your mother before I decided to leave was the last straw. She told me more things I had never known, things I had been told differently by you, that all turned up lies.

More lies.

I lied too. Fear drove me to lie. The fear that you would scream at me for innocent things, the fear that you would harm me, the fear that you would punish me emotionally, degrade me, dehumanize me yet again, pushed me to lie. I lied about my dreams, my desires, my hopes, all to please you. I lied to myself about what I wanted. I was starving for love, for acceptance, for truth, so I ate. I gained over 100 pounds being married to you because I hated myself. The fear that men would look at me and you would blame me for it drove me to eat, to hide under layers of fat, to become as unattractive as possible so your wouldn't hurt me drove me to destroy myself.

That 75 lbs that I lost after the divorce felt like an enormous cloak off of me. The career I have now, being myself, be honest, making far more money that I ever had, than you ever have, gives me a satisfaction I've never known. I found myself again, under all of that deceit, all of those fears, all of that pain. Because every moment with you, for 15 years with you, was a lie. The lies of courtship turned to bigger, grander lies when the truth rushed in to face you. The lie that we had become, of who you were, all began to eat at your own soul and the pain from that was unleashed on me, eating away at the fiber of who I had once been.

Our 15 years was a lie. You are a lie.

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

Loss and Gain

He gave up so much for me. Practically everything he owned. He risked every relationship in his life and only lost a few. He lost his integrity, he broke his vows, he broke his commitment to himself. He did it for me, for love, for a chance of happiness.

I gave up everything for a chance to love him. I retained some material items, most of which I found I never really wanted after all. But I lost more than I bargained for.

I lost my daughter.
I lost my integrity.
I lost my good name.
I lost my God.

Together we've found so much. Joy, love, truth. Best of all, we've found ourselves. The real people, the frightened children, the hungry adolescents, the unfulfilled man and woman that lie underneath. Many times we find pain boiling up from the depths, oozing out of the rim to overwhelm us. Struggle as we might, it can be, from time to time, inescapable.

I love him. I love my life and inspite of the pain, it has certainly all been worth it.

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Monday, October 8, 2012

Path of Understanding

Where am I supposed to put the feelings
That confuse my heart and fill my teary eyes
Who's to say I've understood any of them
Days of joy, or those of sad goodbyes

I feel my way along this path I'm on
Try to do my best for me and fellow men
Try to make sense of what I'm doing daily
And make sense of all the places I have been

I make mistakes, this fact, it is for certain
Though I do things right; this is true as well
I stood tall when I felt like breaking backwards
And I got up again the many times I fell

It seems I don't know what today is filled with
Until my tomorrows have passed into the setting sun
To look back and make sense of all my doings
And understand now from where I had begun

If peace is understanding, or visa versa
I know I still have a path to crawl
Because today I have neither within me
But one day I hope to possess it all

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Thursday, September 27, 2012


The avocado lie splattered everywhere; on the floor, on the walls, on him, on me. He stood, still breathing heavily from shouting at me. The shouts were filled with frustration and pain, his heart unleashing the burden of guilt he had carried for a lifetime.

It was my fault. This recent outburst was brought on by my recent plunge into self pity and accusations. My pain had poured out on him, as he stood strong, day after day, supporting me and loving me through the worst of my behavior. Just as I felt my mind clearing, my heart easing, just as I began to back off the anger, he erupted.

We stood in our small apartment, he in the kitchen, I at the counter, as hurt poured from him relentlessly. He wouldn't face me as he shouted, but I could see he needed to focus it on me. I entered the kitchen, stood close to him, so he could turn the tide toward me, as I could hear his desperation. I knew, deep down inside, that I had brought this about. This was the result on my blaming, my anger, my hurt, my rage. His poor shoulders could carry no more and now the weight needed lifting.

He shouted at me, at the ceiling, over my shoulder. He tossed the tea box on the floor, shoved the kettle off of the stove, and looked around in a panic. He grabbed the enormous, ripe avocado.


When I opened my eyes I saw our relationship splattered in green all around us. All of the pain that had consumed me only tore at him and his patient heart until he could take no more. The shouting continued and quietly I tried to apologize at every break, agreeing with him that I was wrong, for all of it.

Finished and exhausted, he saw the green remains of his rage. He began to apologize as I reached for him. I wept with sorrow and remorse, knowing I had brought him all of this misery.

We silently began to clean the mess; wiping away the remnants, rinsing the towels and then wiping some more. We cleaned the counters, the stove, the refrigerator, the walls, and finally, the floor. Our hands met in the middle of the kitchen floor, bumping softly for a moment.

We made this mess. With all of our pain, shortcomings, fear, and frustration, we destroyed the sweet love we once saw as a promise of happiness all over the reality of our kitchen floor.

I picked up the pit. It remained intact, unbroken by the impact. Droplets of green mush covered 9 feet of walls, pieces of skin had broken in to tiny crumbs, yet this seed appeared unscathed.

Is it possible that our love could withstand this blow as well? Is our seed still pure, unscathed, strong and solid?

After some time passed, I approached him meekly to accept my responsibility and apologize for my wrongs. I promised the changes I knew I could make, careful not to commit to anything I couldn't be certain of. The last thing I wanted now was to fail him again. He accepted my apology.

"I want to keep trying," he said.

By grace alone, it seems we may still be whole.

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Sunday, September 9, 2012

Open Soul

You can trust me, I won't hurt you!
I love you too much. I am your friend.
We can marry, be my wife,
Love each other to the end.

I'll show you my hurt, you show me yours,
You'll see my soul, and all it holds.
Let me know you, let me see you!
I want to love you, please be bold.

I've been thinking, since we're talking
About how honest I have been
I don't trust you, you seem so dishonest
You lie to me, don't you, now and then?

I showed you my soul,
You showed me your soul,
I expect you to love me,
I'll blast a large hole,
Where your open soul,
Must have been.

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Monday, August 13, 2012

Loves Sweet Mercy

Desired something not mine to have
Not because I wasn't worthy
But because life isn't fair
And not all tears are called for

People disappoint, painful reality
I've broken a heart or two
With promises unfulfilled
And expectations gone unmet

I didn't give love to all I met
Simply begged to learn how
That vacuum of need consumed me
And all I touched

Now that love has graced my life
Not just to give but let into
My heart so fragile, hidden from sight
So fearful of the pain

So innocent the first touch
So sweet the tremble of kindness
Love overwhelming two hearts
Never broken, never whole

I'll dry your tears Sweet Love
You'll hold me in the pain
Put past to past where it belongs
Move into future ours alone

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Not Family

There never seemed to be a place,
Where I fit into the fold.
Always seemed to be so odd,
Didn't fit the mold.

Wanted to be included,
Wanted to belong,
Didn't want to be different,
Didn't want to be wrong.

They stood behind a barrier,
Separated far from me,
One I couldn't transcend,
One I couldn't even see.

"You're not part of us,
And to be, you never will."
It hurt me so much then.
It hurts me so much still.

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Saturday, April 28, 2012

He Never Set Foot In The House

I remember. . .

The sidewalks were all broken,
Under heavy branches of green trees,
Geraniums grew in every yard,
Yes, that's where you left me.

Your truck parked at the sidewalk,
I thought you had come at last,
To free me from her prison,
In which I'd been cast.

Your truck was God's own chariot,
Meant to carry me away,
But instead you took my brothers,
And told me I must stay.

I begged and pleaded with you,
"She hurts me all the time!
I'll be a good girl Daddy!
Please make your home mine."

You promised you'd come back for me,
Tried to tell me why you came,
Told me she wouldn't let me go,
And how you loved me just the same.

You drove your truck down shady streets,
And left me in that Hell.
I learned that no one cared what she did,
There was no one I could tell.

If my mother hates me so much,
And my father doesn't care,
I must not be worth anything.
Why did God even put me here?

You never came back for me.
She ruined my life with hate.
I'll never love and trust again.
It was useless for me to wait.

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Friday, March 9, 2012

Essence of Home

What I have found in you
When I bathe deep in your eyes
Are songs it seems I knew
And stars from other skies

You and I must be
Descendants of the same
Children of the sun
Yet, born of different names

We touch our mother earth
With toes of tortured skin
We breathe our father sky
Who’s living deep within

I feel you brush your fingertips
Across my soul, sublime
With the essence of our people
Separated over time

The present is part of our past and our lives transcend visual reality. ~ Sidney “TK” Yee

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Friday, January 27, 2012

You Spoke My Name

You spoke my name,
I heard the hum,
Of a love
Still yet to come.

I saw your eyes,
I knew it true,
That it was I,
God meant for you.

Hold me still,
I'll lead the way,
And show you how,
To love today.

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Thursday, January 19, 2012

Hold Me Tight

Hold me tightly in your arms,
And teach me how to trust.
Hold me tighter when I struggle,
And squeeze me if you must!

Don't let me fight against you,
Don't let me pull away.
Where I want to be is with you,
Please just make me stay!

The fight lives deep inside me,
The struggle is not with you.
It's the anger that she filled me with,
And the Child I once knew.

My Child needs you to hold her,
And teach her that you care.
My Child loves the Child in you,
Our Children are a pair.

Let that fear and venom leave me,
Set the fight from my heart free!
Let me find when this is over,
That you're still holding me.

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About Sash

People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the naughty, biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)