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For my family Christmas was just another reason to party.
By party, I mean get drunk and high.
The images of happy families around a tree, opening piles of gifts seems as fake to me as canned snow. It was all a facade, a display to impress others who were as joyless as I was. It was yet another thing out of my grasp of which I envied and imagined was real for everyone but me.
There were few photos taken as an occasional attendee was running from the law. Gifts were sparse and booze was plentiful. At the end of the day the tables were littered with empty beer cans, the floors and couch littered with passed out bodies, and the stench of cheap beer, cigarettes and filth hung in the air.
I knew I didn't belong here. I didn't fit in. I wanted to escape. There was no way to run, nowhere to go, because my mother owned me. My body was her property to sell to her drunken friends for drug money. My only worth was to clean the messes, be her whore, and make her feel worthy.
I hate Christmas. When my child was young I wanted to enjoy it. I didn't want to ruin it for her. All of the years of trying to fit in with others, find joy in the season, decorate, erect trees with handmade ornaments and cookie baking never covered over the agony of the memories.
Now my child is grown and gone and the old memories haunt me more than ever.
I hate Christmas.
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I love you Tina. I cant say i know how you feel because thats yours. i do know i hate christmas too , my own reasons will share sometime . Its a depressing, sad time, empty. Lets just make it a different holiday , create our own . Hugs
ReplyDeleteTina, I'm sorry Christmas brings back painful memories. I hope that one day you'll be able to let go of your pain and truly enjoy the season.
ReplyDeleteAs a grandparent, I can say there isn't anything more enjoyable and gratifying than to watch your grandchildren's eyes light-up on Christmas morning. Your time is coming. :-) ~Curt
This made me cry. I just want to hug you through this computer somehow...
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. I wish more than anything that I could leap through this computer screen and hug you right now. I love you Tina and your strength is an inspiration to people everywhere. It isn't where we come from that makes us who we are, but who we become that truly matters. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know your childhood was hard and harsh Mom. But I want you to know that although you never felt the cheer or joy of the season as fully as others, I love Christmas because of you. I am sorry that so much hurt in your past didn't let you love the way I did as a child but I hope you can take some solace in knowing that by creating amazing Christmas memories for me, by pushing through your hurt for me, my child will never know that. I can now show her/him the Christmas that was taken from you as a child. I have so many traditions started with you that they will carry on with them. All of that thanks to you.
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