Standing In Pain

There was a time when no one cared if I was hurt. No one could be bothered. There was no one to comfort me. Being so young I watched those around me for cues on how to stop being a victim.

I decided then to stop allowing others to hurt me. I decided if someone swung a fist at me, I would be swinging back.

This led to an all-out-assault on humanity. Occasionally a friend or loved one would see the sweet girl still left inside, but at some point they would become the target of my viciousness.

Abandonment ensued.

Spending most of my life in this pattern has led me to fear abandonment and betrayal.

The last few years with Steve have changed my life dramatically. I've learned to be honest, intimate and to trust. I've learned to feel real emotions again, other emotions than longing, loneliness and anger. I've learned to go back to that girl who made the decision to swing and help her learn a new way.

Recently I've been practicing "staying in the emotion". This involves addressing pain or fear as it arises and staying there until it passes, not allowing it to move into another emotion. In the past I move to anger or controlling. I with either beat the shit out of someone or try to jump in and fix everything.

Today I was attacked and hurt emotionally. Being able to stand in the hurt and accept that these people hurt my feelings and I couldn't stop them was incredibly painful. But I was able to do it with the help of my husband. He held me, comforted me and soothed me through the pain. He validated my feelings and assured me that I didn't deserve to be attacked.

This will pass and I won't allow it to turn into hatred or anger. For me, this is the greatest achievement I've made in my emotional growth this year.