What Have I Done?

I am asking myself, "Seriously, what have I done?" The magnitude of my choices overwhelm me from time to time. What have I done, indeed.

Life shouldn't be reactionary, it should be a thoughtful, plotted course of action, based on good decisions, humanity, healthy living, and kindness. Yea, right. I see my life over years and years as an odd balance of some good, well thought decisions and many emotion-filled, gut reactions. Sometimes the good decisions are a repair for my gut reactions, and sometimes it goes the other way around.

My marriage was a good decision. Wise, well thought choice, in the best interest of others. I had no time to think of myself, because I was last on the list of importance. My happiness fell somewhere below taking care of my daughter, paying bills, and having stability. Over time, my happiness fell completely off the radar, and I was left with the wreckage of my good decision.

When it was over I swore "Never Again!" I would never feel for anyone, I would never let anyone in, let anyone see inside, feel my love, feel my pain. He had robbed me of the desire to know love because after that marriage I didn't believe love was real; it was nothing but a lie.

Then came you. You were this emotion-driven, passion-filled, wild, untamed, irrational, reaction. Your first kiss sent all reason out of my mind, all logic, and left me writhing in desire. I felt you. You were the first thing I had felt in years, and I wanted to feel you again and again.

In the quiet moments, I look at the wreckage of my gut reaction, and question myself. I ponder the harm I've caused others, the harm I may have caused you, the harm I may be causing myself that I just don't see on the horizon, and I worry that there's some price to pay for all of this joy.

You touch my hand, smile at me, and I see my home in your eyes, and suddenly, I don't remember what I was thinking. . .