Thursday, April 17, 2014

Ancestral Bohemians

As a child, we were nomads. My mother was constantly moving us, from rental to rental, never permanent, never stable. I made friends quickly everywhere we went because by nature, I'm very social. I wanted to live in one place and have a home, like other people lived.

As an adult, those days came. I owned a home, tended my yard, swept, cleaned, took care of my husband and children. I would lie down at night so tired and wondered, "Is this really what I wanted?"

My ancestors were nomads, travelers; but not by choice. They had once been farmers and occupied their ancestral lands for hundreds of years. My Great Grandmother Minnie Burke Rogers was a member of the great Choctaw nation. The Choctaw signed nine treaties with the United States Government, the first being The Treaty of Hopewell in 1786. In 1830, the United States seized the last of the Choctaw’s ancestral territory and relocated the tribe to Indian Territory west of the Mississippi. The Choctaw were the first to walk the Trail of Tears. Nearly 2,500 members perished along the way.

My husband is a nomad, a bohemian too. He understands the longing in my heart to keep moving. Perhaps we are wanderers. . . still looking for a great place that no longer exists.

Bohemian: noun
1. a person, as an artist or writer, who lives and acts free of regard for conventional rules and practices.
2. living a wandering or vagabond life, as a Gypsy.

The less I own, the less I am owned by my property. I want less, not more. While this seems unconventional in this society of consumerism, I am comfortable with the thought. I'm more comfortable in my skin than I ever have been. You can keep your BMW's, your boats, your giant furniture and enormous homes. You don't own those things, although you can't see it. Those things own you. Be a slave to your paycheck, your payments, your bank account. I would rather go hungry than to spend my life working for "things". I long for freedom.

On my Yamaha V*Star Tatonka I am alive and free. I'm ready to roam again. On Monday we will pack a few items, load up my motorcycle, and drink in the lined concrete and become a blur in the broken landscape. I'm going back home, if only for awhile. Back to the road.

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Thursday, February 13, 2014

Meant to Be

My exx, me, car builder Chip Foose, and my daughter Olivia in 2007
A short time after we married, I realized that I wasn't madly in love with my exx, but I thought we were good for one another. I wanted to make him happy and I wanted for us all to be a happy family. But it wasn't to be.

I spent 15 years with this man, trying to meet his needs, be someone I wasn't, please him, all in an effort to make him happy. I thought if he could be happy, then I was doing something right and I could find some sort of peace and be of value to someone. But it wasn't to be.

When I left I was so depressed about failing. My mother's first words were, "I told you so. . ." even though I begged her not to say it. Most of my friends couldn't understand why I left because I never said one bad word about my then husband. I needed support and understanding, but it wasn't to be.

Now he's found another. He seems incredibly happy and she seems to be the woman whom he was meant for.

I'm glad for him. I truly am. Because this was meant to be.

I'm glad I left. It opened the door for him to find someone who fits his life, fits his heart, fits in with his family, makes him smile and fills that hole that I never could. Trying to be someone I'm not never worked because it wasn't meant to be! Finding the right person is the best thing that can happen in life and for the man I spent all of those years with, the man I wanted to make happy, I'm glad that my final act of leaving has done just that.

He's happy now.

And I'm truly happy for him.

God, that feels so good to be able to say and mean with all of my heart.

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Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Sense of Sobriety

On this, the eve of my 21st sobriety birthday, I am remarkably introspective. If you know me at all, you'll know that I'm usually introspective in some manner, but tonight even more so.

My accomplishment seems blurred and muddy in light of the death of an actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman died last Sunday, just 6 days ago, from an overdose. Alone in his apartment, found dead with the heroine needle still in his arm, the brilliant actor died at the age of 46, only one year since his visit to rehab. His acting abilities consistently enraptured me, transparent, vulnerable, brazen and shameless, his characters were deeply flawed but his performance never was. He displayed his characters as so incredibly human that I would lose myself in the film, forgetting this was an act, a play, a story for the audience's entertainment. It was life, in full force, at it's ugliest, tenderest and truest form.

And now that's gone.

This man who touched millions of people with his ability to make us feel was unable to recover from this disease, yet I've been saved somehow, by an incredible grace, from it's clutches. 21 years I've survived drug and alcohol free, able to grow and achieve so much, and now suddenly I feel so small. My accomplishments have been massive, at least for me, in my tiny spectrum of the Universe, but now they seem infinitesimal by comparison to this man. And yet, I accomplished the one thing that he needed most, that eluded him, and killed him.

He's dead right now and I'm alive. And somehow to me, that doesn't make sense.

Perhaps it's not supposed to make sense to me. The Universe and all of it's mysteries are beyond anything any of us can intellectually master. If I've learned anything it would be not to waste time trying to understand that which is so far beyond me.

I want to make it matter. I want my life to impact others in a positive way because I have been graced with a chance to do so.

I want it to make sense, for someone, if not for myself.

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Friday, February 7, 2014

I Am Alone

And on my worst days, the most painful of memories rise up, and haunt me.

I sing this song, alone.

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Monday, January 27, 2014

It Did Happen


You say, "That never happened."
You declare my words a lie
For whatever reason
Perhaps you don't remember
From your drunken, drugged stupor
Perhaps you want to deny
What you did
What you allowed
Because you find your actions
So distasteful.

I find you actions distasteful,
Unacceptable, uncalled for,
Painful, heinous, hideous,
Wrong.
You allowed men to rape your daughter,
You denied it happened.
You took their side.
You called me a whore.

Whore.

It became reality
Because of you.
You whored me out.
You were my pimp.
I realize now it wasn't for money
Because if it was for money you had other ways.
It was for power.
It was to destroy me.
You envied me
It ate at you.

I'm not a whore.

You're a monster.

You were wrong.
And it did happen.
It did happen.

It did happen and you're wrong.

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Sunday, January 26, 2014

Beaten


My heart broke with your anger
I wanted to please you
I wanted to be the one
Who made you smile
So you would love me
And cherish me
The way my Father did.

I made mistakes and you yelled
You shouted
You left me without options
With no choices
And I failed
Everyday
To bring you joy
To bring you peace.

I wanted to show you I could love
That you were worthy of love
That you deserved love
I wanted love
But you could not love
Because I was a failure.

I didn't really love you
I needed you
Your approval
Because I hated myself so
I was raised on hate
I was raised on fear
Approval kept me from being beaten
If you didn't approve
I failed
And I was beaten.

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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Never Conform

I'm not reading your emails anymore. I'm not sure who is sending them, so I'm not really sure who "you" are, but just know that I won't read them in the future. If you want to spread news about my exx, and it is so important to you that I know, well, I'm telling you now that you're not get any more of my attention.

The marriage was painful enough and every time I read an email from you, it only hurts all over again. It was painful to try to fit in with his family when they really didn't approve of me from the beginning. Knowing that I was unable to make him happy for all of those years was heart wrenching.

And to you Mark, I have this to say;

I wanted to make you happy Mark. You must know that. You saw how hard I tried.

We weren't right for each other. I see it so clearly now.

You wanted your family's approval and you would never be able to get that with me around. And I was the only person that had ever come into your life that loved you, appreciated you, valued you and wanted you, so giving me up was impossible. You found yourself caught in between what you always needed and almost had. But my love and approval wasn't enough and it left you always wanting, always aching, resenting me for not being quite enough. I could never be nearly enough, because I couldn't be them.

I promised you I would never cheat on you and the truth is, I never did. I left you before I started my new relationship. I did the right thing, because I honored my commitment to you. To this day I still care about you. Turning away from my feelings doesn't make me a superior nor stronger human being. I am not weak because I feel something. But I know you would never say the same.

"She means nothing to me now. She's dead to me."

How many times did you say that about your first wife? How many times have you said that about me?

Don't you see? Shutting yourself off from those emotions is what kept you from ever really having a relationship with me. All of those years I tried to reach out to you, but remaining isolated was your choice. Perhaps that made you feel safe, but it also made you feel alone. Sadly, you weren't alone, except by your own choice.

I made so many mistakes, but the worst was trying to fit in with your family. Trying to be someone you wanted me to be, trying to hide away all of the undesirable parts of who I am and be this ideal you had created, it was all doomed, and a horrible mistake. I lied to myself about who I was and what I could be to please you. I wanted acceptance as much as you did. Perhaps in many ways I still do. But what I learned about acceptance in our marriage was a pivotal, life-changing lesson.

I will never conform to please another to my own detriment again.

And while it means no more to you now than it ever did, I wish you well.

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About Sash


People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the naughty, biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)