Brewing

I'm climbing the walls, coming out of my skin.

No real reason. At least not outwardly. Or something obvious, evident, clear.

Something is brewing within me, deep inside, where things tear apart the fabric of my existence.

I've been through so many changes the last few years, I fear I cannot take another right now. I don't see any way to avoid it. How can I avoid something from within?

I'm waiting for change. I see it on the horizon, regardless of my wishes for peace, calm and serenity. Change still lurks just beneath the surface.

Ready or not, I'll take it, stay on course, and grow.

But Jesus Fucking Christ, I would sure love a break.

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Scars

Grasp the bars
Kick through gears
Let the wind
Dry my tears

My rolling tires
Ride so far
Take me away
But not the scar

The pain inside
I left behind
Cleared away
From my mind

Though miles heal
Wounds you made
The scar you left
Just won't fade

Scratches in
My paint & chrome
No matter how
Far I roam

Scars remain

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My Church

My Church ~ My Heaven ~ My Religion

The racing ribbon
Striped of gold
Rising and falling
Soothing my soul
Cleansing my sins
Healing my ills
The ribbon of grey
Keeps my heart still
My crimson tank
Gleams of morning shine
Passing bracken hills
Green gold sublime
I found the Christ
On my leather pew
Behind chrome bars
In skies of blue
Breathe him in

My Church ~ My Heaven ~ My God

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Spoiling in Virginia

Virginia fields of soybeans wave
Marshy cattails gaze at passers by
Reaching tall from green and gold
Cornstalks tickle clouded skies

Asphalt trail winds among the living
Trees branching across the span
Aching limbs long for more
Embracing spirits with leafy hands

Struggling to maintain her dayshine glory
Beams of fire throb from sinking sun
Hot horizon gulps her downward
Swallowing daylight with a thirsty hum

Sullen sunflowers drop their heads
Bending low, long past their prime
Each sunset marking a gallant struggle
Of standing bravely for a lifetime

Stationary, each living embodiment cries
Rooted so deeply in Virginia soil
Roots give them life with binding purpose
An imprisoned life will only spoil


with imprisoning tethers

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Pecans

Her name was Luka and she was my only friend. At the age of 22 I was less than a year sober, lonely and living in a city where I knew no one but my co-workers. I was angry and scared. My fiance dumped me after cheating with another girl. Trusting no one, I still longed to be in love, to be loved, to find "the one". In my desperation, love eluded me, other than Luka.

After work each day I would go home to my apartment and to my Luka Marie. Greeted with 30 minutes of meows, I imagined she was complaining about my being gone all day, how bored she was, and telling me what she did to entertain herself. Then after chewing me out, she would forgive me and rub against my leg, begging to be pet.

Once I had gobbled down a frozen dinner, I would rush out the door to an AA meeting and directly back home to my Luka with her favorite treat. We cuddled in bed together sharing Butter Pecan ice cream, licking from the same spoon, watching TV. We savored the ice cream, and being together, until the ice cream was gone and I dropped off to sleep, only to start my sad process over again the next day. She was my friend, my loving, patient friend, and I was so grateful to have her.

Eating Pecan Pie 25 years later in Tulsa, that flavor takes me to those days. The sadness is now gone from my life, the past now rest in the past, and my days are filled with love and adventure. Had I known it would come to this I wouldn't have worried so about someone to love and being loved. I had a friend in Luka and it turns out that she was all I needed in a time of heartbreak. I wish I could have appreciated all I had.

My entire life was ahead of me, yet I had no patience for the process of time. Today I look across the table and see my best friend, my husband Steve, and smile. I don't want today to end, although I know it will, because now, I understand the process of time. Today will be tomorrow and tomorrow makes no promises. I have now, and grateful or not, now doesn't last for long. The only thing guaranteed is change. Sometimes that is good and sometimes that is not. It seems that few things stay the same in life. I'm grateful one of them is pecans.

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Tortured with Poison

"Such a sad life I've had!"
The cry so many times to pass my lips.
So unfairly treated, painfully neglected,
Abused, child alone, unprepared for the world.

A world so cruel, with men who used me,
"All men are hateful! They stab my heart!"
Abused, cheated, injured.
To never trust again, carried my sorrow.

My sorrow painfully burdened my shoulders,
Burned my heart, hardened my purpose.
"Why should I love, when no one loves me?"
Why should happiness evade me so?

Happiness was mine to have, all along.
Had I looked I'd have seen how wrong,
It was to hate with poison strong,
To carry this burden, for Oh! so long.

Let it go, set sorrow to sail,
Goodbye to hurt with one huge wail,
Left behind, don't tell the tale,
Mending my heart, though so frail.

Fractured from my own abuse,
Holding hate I thought I'd use,
Protected me but made recluse,
It was only love that I did lose.

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Behind the Walls of Stone

Steve, my words are broken, convoluted, muddy, thick and bereft of reality. I struggle to take meaning to words, but they twist and break with emotion. My speech betrays my heart, my soul, my truth.

The poison spews and contaminates all we have, not from malice, but from failure. My shortcomings, emotion, ignorance, weakness, pain, and fear ruin all that's spoken and pelt you with stones of failure; my failure.

My weakness comes between heart, soul and my tongue, polluting my intent with hostility.

The failure, my own.

My pain screams within me, unheard, angry only at my own shortcoming in being inarticulate and true. The child inside weeps and relents, giving up all hope of being understood.

I shall go back now to building the walls I trusted to tear down. There is no hope any longer. I did my best to be honest and intimate. I have failed. Tonight I will begin putting back in place the blocks I had so bravely torn away. Tonight I realize I'm not fit for intimacy.

The walls that once protected me became a prison. Now I realize I'm doomed to spend eternity behind them knowing I'm not worthy or fit to be free from them. My inability to communicate only causes harm to others. To you. The man I love. To love is not to harm, but to care. All I share is pain. Because I love you I will lock myself away to protect you. I'm not capable of sharing, poisoned as I am.

Convicted, ruined, worthless, society is safer with me where I belong. Behind the walls of stone. Steve, it's because I love you and truly want to protect you that I must lock myself away, for I realize now I will never be able to be intimate with you without constantly harming you. My ignorance, lack of skills, lack of experience, and my inability will never overcome my desire to show you my love and share my heart. I'm too broken. I'm unworthy. I'm poison for you, for everyone.

My only ability is to harm. Like a convicted murderer, I am not fit. Prison is where I belong.

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