Disappointment

Overwhelmed.
I'm overwhelmed,
With the expectations of others.
I don't want to hear that it shouldn't matter.
That doesn't translate in the real world.

Disappointing others is never easy.

No matter how I try, or don't try, or how honest I am,
With myself, everyone around me, to my loved ones, somehow,
I'm a disappointment.

I can't please others.

Every time I hear I've disappointed you, it becomes less painful for me.
I cannot continue to care when I know inevitably I will hurt you again.

I'm not ever going to be enough for you.

Because I'm not ever going to be who you want me to be.

I've tried to please others,
In hopes they would try to please me.
It doesn't work that way.
We all just end up hating whom we've become.

All I have left is my integrity.
All I have left is my desire to please myself.
All I have left is what I came into this world with. . .
One life to live.
My own life to live.
I must please myself to find happiness, because I'll never find it in you.
You will never find happiness in me.

Your happiness, your expectations, you disappointment, your joy, your achievements, your fears, your life. . . they all have one thing in common. You.

I will not hold those things for you. I'm busy with my own.

Every time I hear I've disappointed you, it becomes less painful for me.

Say it again.
Say it over and over.
Say it until I can't feel any more.
Say it until I'm released from my pain.

Disappointment.

I've become your disappointment.