Never Conform

I'm not reading your emails anymore. I'm not sure who is sending them, so I'm not really sure who "you" are, but just know that I won't read them in the future. If you want to spread news about my exx, and it is so important to you that I know, well, I'm telling you now that you're not get any more of my attention.

The marriage was painful enough and every time I read an email from you, it only hurts all over again. It was painful to try to fit in with his family when they really didn't approve of me from the beginning. Knowing that I was unable to make him happy for all of those years was heart wrenching.

And to you Mark, I have this to say;

I wanted to make you happy Mark. You must know that. You saw how hard I tried.

We weren't right for each other. I see it so clearly now.

You wanted your family's approval and you would never be able to get that with me around. And I was the only person that had ever come into your life that loved you, appreciated you, valued you and wanted you, so giving me up was impossible. You found yourself caught in between what you always needed and almost had. But my love and approval wasn't enough and it left you always wanting, always aching, resenting me for not being quite enough. I could never be nearly enough, because I couldn't be them.

I promised you I would never cheat on you and the truth is, I never did. I left you before I started my new relationship. I did the right thing, because I honored my commitment to you. To this day I still care about you. Turning away from my feelings doesn't make me a superior nor stronger human being. I am not weak because I feel something. But I know you would never say the same.

"She means nothing to me now. She's dead to me."

How many times did you say that about your first wife? How many times have you said that about me?

Don't you see? Shutting yourself off from those emotions is what kept you from ever really having a relationship with me. All of those years I tried to reach out to you, but remaining isolated was your choice. Perhaps that made you feel safe, but it also made you feel alone. Sadly, you weren't alone, except by your own choice.

I made so many mistakes, but the worst was trying to fit in with your family. Trying to be someone you wanted me to be, trying to hide away all of the undesirable parts of who I am and be this ideal you had created, it was all doomed, and a horrible mistake. I lied to myself about who I was and what I could be to please you. I wanted acceptance as much as you did. Perhaps in many ways I still do. But what I learned about acceptance in our marriage was a pivotal, life-changing lesson.

I will never conform to please another to my own detriment again.

And while it means no more to you now than it ever did, I wish you well.

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False Eyelashes

You wear eyelashes of insecurity

Spoiling your smile wide

Intensifying your intent

Showing all you hope to hide

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Eyes slam at the target

Of your jealousy and fear

Blotting your false beauty

Sickening those too near

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Bereft of joy you bat them

Fear, your only guide

Shining sheer ugliness

Showing all you hope to hide

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Throttling My Life

It is on my motorcycle I have learned to live and if I'm lucky, it is on my motorcycle I hope to die.

Behind my handlebars, pulling my throttle to it's limits, within my leather jacket, I feel my heart pound and within my helmet I hear the rattlings of truth. I've found the road doesn't lie to me, anymore than a flower pretends to be a pine tree or the sun pretends to be the moon. The road is part of the Universe and dishonesty is non-existent in nature. It has no reason to lie, because it is natural and true. Not to be loved or accepted. Nature has no desire to be loved; it only is, and that's good enough.

I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to. ~ Jimi Hendrix

Perhaps others will judge me for my belief in this, but I feel confident in saying I've done enough for society for now. I've given myself enough to satisfy my own criteria I've set and I've now reached a point where I want to give to myself. This is not a repayment issue; no one owes me a mother fucking thing. I expect nothing from anyone. All I've decided is that I don't owe any of you anything either.

My life is now my own. I will live for me, at my choosing, by my own agenda. You are free to do the same. Hold in your hearts that I will move forward grasping the notion that I owe nothing to you. Your guilt and expectations are meaningless and powerless going forward. I suggest you take that seriously as to prevent any disillusions. Regardless, I choose to no longer make your issues my issues.

I am ready to choose how I live and choose how I die. In that regard, it seems to me that when I decide then I will slam into the block wall at 100 mph on the bridge or overpass of my choosing. I will do this when I feel it is time and I will do this selfishly and without any consideration of you and your desires. Because I am taking ownership and complete control of my life . . . and my death.

This choice is not one of revenge or anger, it is made to bring a sense of ownership to my existence.

I have worked harder than most of self help, therapy, introspection and recovery in hopes of finding some solace. But the pain of my past plagues me beyond all reason. There are times that it becomes unbearable. Until now I've struggled through, powered through for others, in hopes that one day it would subside. That day hasn't come and I'm growing wearily discouraged. If this is my lot in life, to battle this depression forever, to be terrorized by nightmares night after night, to feel physical pain as a result of the muscle memory from my abuse, to ache relentlessly in my heart, then I am not much longer for this world. I'm at the end of my rope.

Don't give me this shit that it gets better, that it is only temporary, because I know that. I also know it comes again, when I'm at my weakest, and it pounces on me like a starving tiger to devour my love of life. Fuck that. I'm done trying to outrun it, mask it, and sadly, endure it.

Knowing that one day I can choose to end it brings me a solace of unequaled measure. One can only take so much.

Tonight I nearly took my life behind the chrome handlebars of my sweet machine. With the throttle maxed, open highway, and tears streaming from my haunting past and lingering, tortuous pain, I simply couldn't outride my own demons. Tonight I survived. One ride I may not.

None of you suffer this with me. This isn't your life, you don't know my pain, nor is it your responsibility to help me. I will choose my path and take responsibility for such choices. It is no one's problem but my own.

Live your life and I'll live mine; at the speed, on the road, and into the concrete wall of my choosing.

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Sonnet Broken Morning

I broke a tear from shameful eyes today
To see the pain I caused within your soul
You wept within encircled arms transfixed
Such sorrow tore down all of my control

Unlike the daybreak of sweet cherry blossoms
Bright morning dew still fresh upon the day
You kissed my mouth deep before all we knew
Our wedded bliss a brilliant love display

Today, dark mood, sorrow, broken morning
Longstanding shouts still hover in the air
Harm once caused has stained my lover's living
Evidence life punishingly unfair

I wiped tears from eyes of two long weeping
I pray the past die within our sleeping

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Overheard at the Coffee Shop

Conversations overheard at the all-night coffee cafe:

"Are you sucking on bullets?"

"That is quite a quagmire, wouldn't you say?"

"Is he slapping her around?"

"Her mother is bipolar and her father is an alcoholic."

"He set up a 4-banger job. . . "

"I've been through so much worse so I figured, I have nothing to worry about."

"I didn't know he knew we knew. I thought he didn't know we knew but if he knows, then that's fine."

"So I wrote a song about it. . ."

"I have a nose like a bloodhound."

"That ought to be good for intergallactic travel!"

"Actually, I don't watch it anymore. I got over it real quick."

"He hasn't called in two weeks. What did I do?"

"Thanks I got it in Lisbon!"

"Ribbed for her pleasure."

"It's a comfort level thing now."

"Are you gonna be here later?"

"Don't sit here Rick. Just don't!"

"It's more affordable than you think, but you have to give up shit!"

"They better be afraid of me."

"I don't know what I'm going to tell her. I really don't."

"I think grad school was a good decision."

"When will it get better?"

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Standing In Pain

There was a time when no one cared if I was hurt. No one could be bothered. There was no one to comfort me. Being so young I watched those around me for cues on how to stop being a victim.

I decided then to stop allowing others to hurt me. I decided if someone swung a fist at me, I would be swinging back.

This led to an all-out-assault on humanity. Occasionally a friend or loved one would see the sweet girl still left inside, but at some point they would become the target of my viciousness.

Abandonment ensued.

Spending most of my life in this pattern has led me to fear abandonment and betrayal.

The last few years with Steve have changed my life dramatically. I've learned to be honest, intimate and to trust. I've learned to feel real emotions again, other emotions than longing, loneliness and anger. I've learned to go back to that girl who made the decision to swing and help her learn a new way.

Recently I've been practicing "staying in the emotion". This involves addressing pain or fear as it arises and staying there until it passes, not allowing it to move into another emotion. In the past I move to anger or controlling. I with either beat the shit out of someone or try to jump in and fix everything.

Today I was attacked and hurt emotionally. Being able to stand in the hurt and accept that these people hurt my feelings and I couldn't stop them was incredibly painful. But I was able to do it with the help of my husband. He held me, comforted me and soothed me through the pain. He validated my feelings and assured me that I didn't deserve to be attacked.

This will pass and I won't allow it to turn into hatred or anger. For me, this is the greatest achievement I've made in my emotional growth this year.

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We Should Have Taught Them Anarchy

I think I know what they're missing.

The kids in my daughter's generation, the Gen Y, have learned how to work within the system, how to work the government. I've often heard them referred to as the "Entitlement Generation". But it's not their fault really. It's ours. The parents who raised these kids after watching obsessive moms like Hope from Thirtysomething insist on child-perfection and the art of coloring within the lines. We've grown so reliant on government that we raised generation of self loathing, self involved, socially selfish citizens, veiled behind the "one for all and all for one" concept. They only believe they are entitled to something because somehow, this is what we taught them.

What they weren't exposed to were the hippies and the anarchist of the 1960's. The law breakers, the shenanigans of Lenny Bruce, Larry Flynt and George Carlin. Those demonstrators that staged peaceful sit-ins, the drug users of Woodstock, and the crazy rebels who burned their draft cards. Our parents, whether they agreed or disagreed with the hippies, spoke of the mindset of the Peace Love Dope era at the dinner table and we learned.

In the 1980's we wanted to rebel against our parents, as do most generations. We grew up choosing to make money, to fight wars, to take a hard stand against Russia and put our faith in the government who was trying to protect us from the Red Scare. What we were choosing was to put more power in the hands of our government. From that, we taught our kids to turn to government rather than turn away. We didn't teach them to break the rules.

The pendulum swing from the wicked wildness and vehement demonstrations of the 60's swung our society back to another 10 years of "The Conservative 80's", in which we returned to the family values the Ronnie Reagan was selling. Alex P. Keaton was the epitome of a buttoned-up-go-getter that we all wanted to be, hoping to grow as rich as Gordon Gecko. But we would do it right. And we would pass these values onto our children.

As teens they came to idolize the Grunge Gods of the 90's. Kurt Cobain is their dead, self-loathing icon, Britney Spears taught girls to value their pre-teen sexuality as a commodity (nothing new) and the characters on "Friends" blathered on with incessant whining about how life wasn't fair, regardless of their amazing good looks. The closest this Gen Y crowd has come to rebellion has been the cartoon characters of "South Park" and the outlaws of "Sons of Anarchy", a greatly fictionalized saga which is nothing more than a motorcycle-gang-soap-opera.

As our society becomes more socialist than ever, embracing the mentality of "why doesn't someone give me what I deserve" whining, it has become painfully apparent that we forgot to teach these kids one huge lesson.

Life isn't fair.

We should have taught them to stop relying on others, including government, to reach their full potential and meet their goals. There is no fair share, there is no level playing field, and we all have challenges to overcome. Relying on oneself isn't a bad thing and there's no crime in being a contributor to your own success. And the more we as a society try to regulate every aspect of our lives, the tighter the noose becomes on us all.

Instead of teaching them to become rule breakers, we taught them to become rule makers. We should have taught them anarchy.

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