Monday, January 27, 2014

It Did Happen

You say, "That never happened."
You declare my words a lie
For whatever reason
Perhaps you don't remember
From your drunken, drugged stupor
Perhaps you want to deny
What you did
What you allowed
Because you find your actions
So distasteful.

I find you actions distasteful,
Unacceptable, uncalled for,
Painful, heinous, hideous,
You allowed men to rape your daughter,
You denied it happened.
You took their side.
You called me a whore.


It became reality
Because of you.
You whored me out.
You were my pimp.
I realize now it wasn't for money
Because if it was for money you had other ways.
It was for power.
It was to destroy me.
You envied me
It ate at you.

I'm not a whore.

You're a monster.

You were wrong.
And it did happen.
It did happen.

It did happen and you're wrong.

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Sunday, January 26, 2014


My heart broke with your anger
I wanted to please you
I wanted to be the one
Who made you smile
So you would love me
And cherish me
The way my Father did.

I made mistakes and you yelled
You shouted
You left me without options
With no choices
And I failed
To bring you joy
To bring you peace.

I wanted to show you I could love
That you were worthy of love
That you deserved love
I wanted love
But you could not love
Because I was a failure.

I didn't really love you
I needed you
Your approval
Because I hated myself so
I was raised on hate
I was raised on fear
Approval kept me from being beaten
If you didn't approve
I failed
And I was beaten.

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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Never Conform

I'm not reading your emails anymore. I'm not sure who is sending them, so I'm not really sure who "you" are, but just know that I won't read them in the future. If you want to spread news about my exx, and it is so important to you that I know, well, I'm telling you now that you're not get any more of my attention.

The marriage was painful enough and every time I read an email from you, it only hurts all over again. It was painful to try to fit in with his family when they really didn't approve of me from the beginning. Knowing that I was unable to make him happy for all of those years was heart wrenching.

And to you Mark, I have this to say;

I wanted to make you happy Mark. You must know that. You saw how hard I tried.

We weren't right for each other. I see it so clearly now.

You wanted your family's approval and you would never be able to get that with me around. And I was the only person that had ever come into your life that loved you, appreciated you, valued you and wanted you, so giving me up was impossible. You found yourself caught in between what you always needed and almost had. But my love and approval wasn't enough and it left you always wanting, always aching, resenting me for not being quite enough. I could never be nearly enough, because I couldn't be them.

I promised you I would never cheat on you and the truth is, I never did. I left you before I started my new relationship. I did the right thing, because I honored my commitment to you. To this day I still care about you. Turning away from my feelings doesn't make me a superior nor stronger human being. I am not weak because I feel something. But I know you would never say the same.

"She means nothing to me now. She's dead to me."

How many times did you say that about your first wife? How many times have you said that about me?

Don't you see? Shutting yourself off from those emotions is what kept you from ever really having a relationship with me. All of those years I tried to reach out to you, but remaining isolated was your choice. Perhaps that made you feel safe, but it also made you feel alone. Sadly, you weren't alone, except by your own choice.

I made so many mistakes, but the worst was trying to fit in with your family. Trying to be someone you wanted me to be, trying to hide away all of the undesirable parts of who I am and be this ideal you had created, it was all doomed, and a horrible mistake. I lied to myself about who I was and what I could be to please you. I wanted acceptance as much as you did. Perhaps in many ways I still do. But what I learned about acceptance in our marriage was a pivotal, life-changing lesson.

I will never conform to please another to my own detriment again.

And while it means no more to you now than it ever did, I wish you well.

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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

False Eyelashes

You wear eyelashes of insecurity
Spoiling your smile wide
Intensifying your intent
Showing all you hope to hide


Eyes slam at the target
Of your jealousy and fear
Blotting your false beauty
Sickening those too near


Bereft of joy you bat them
Fear, your only guide
Shining sheer ugliness
Showing all you hope to hide

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Sunday, January 12, 2014

Throttling My Life

It is on my motorcycle I have learned to live and if I'm lucky, it is on my motorcycle I hope to die.

Behind my handlebars, pulling my throttle to it's limits, within my leather jacket, I feel my heart pound and within my helmet I hear the rattlings of truth. I've found the road doesn't lie to me, anymore than a flower pretends to be a pine tree or the sun pretends to be the moon. The road is part of the Universe and dishonesty is non-existent in nature. It has no reason to lie, because it is natural and true. Not to be loved or accepted. Nature has no desire to be loved; it only is, and that's good enough.

I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to. ~ Jimi Hendrix

Perhaps others will judge me for my belief in this, but I feel confident in saying I've done enough for society for now. I've given myself enough to satisfy my own criteria I've set and I've now reached a point where I want to give to myself. This is not a repayment issue; no one owes me a mother fucking thing. I expect nothing from anyone. All I've decided is that I don't owe any of you anything either.

My life is now my own. I will live for me, at my choosing, by my own agenda. You are free to do the same. Hold in your hearts that I will move forward grasping the notion that I owe nothing to you. Your guilt and expectations are meaningless and powerless going forward. I suggest you take that seriously as to prevent any disillusions. Regardless, I choose to no longer make your issues my issues.

I am ready to choose how I live and choose how I die. In that regard, it seems to me that when I decide then I will slam into the block wall at 100 mph on the bridge or overpass of my choosing. I will do this when I feel it is time and I will do this selfishly and without any consideration of you and your desires. Because I am taking ownership and complete control of my life . . . and my death.

This choice is not one of revenge or anger, it is made to bring a sense of ownership to my existence.

I have worked harder than most of self help, therapy, introspection and recovery in hopes of finding some solace. But the pain of my past plagues me beyond all reason. There are times that it becomes unbearable. Until now I've struggled through, powered through for others, in hopes that one day it would subside. That day hasn't come and I'm growing wearily discouraged. If this is my lot in life, to battle this depression forever, to be terrorized by nightmares night after night, to feel physical pain as a result of the muscle memory from my abuse, to ache relentlessly in my heart, then I am not much longer for this world. I'm at the end of my rope.

Don't give me this shit that it gets better, that it is only temporary, because I know that. I also know it comes again, when I'm at my weakest, and it pounces on me like a starving tiger to devour my love of life. Fuck that. I'm done trying to outrun it, mask it, and sadly, endure it.

Knowing that one day I can choose to end it brings me a solace of unequaled measure. One can only take so much.

Tonight I nearly took my life behind the chrome handlebars of my sweet machine. With the throttle maxed, open highway, and tears streaming from my haunting past and lingering, tortuous pain, I simply couldn't outride my own demons. Tonight I survived. One ride I may not.

None of you suffer this with me. This isn't your life, you don't know my pain, nor is it your responsibility to help me. I will choose my path and take responsibility for such choices. It is no one's problem but my own.

Live your life and I'll live mine; at the speed, on the road, and into the concrete wall of my choosing.

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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Sonnet Broken Morning

I broke a tear from shameful eyes today
To see the pain I caused within your soul
You wept within encircled arms transfixed
Such sorrow tore down all of my control

Unlike the daybreak of sweet cherry blossoms
Bright morning dew still fresh upon the day
You kissed my mouth deep before all we knew
Our wedded bliss a brilliant love display

Today, dark mood, sorrow, broken morning
Longstanding shouts still hover in the air
Harm once caused has stained my lover's living
Evidence life punishingly unfair

I wiped tears from eyes of two long weeping
I pray the past die within our sleeping

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Friday, January 3, 2014

Overheard at the Coffee Shop

Conversations overheard at the all-night coffee cafe:

"Are you sucking on bullets?"

"That is quite a quagmire, wouldn't you say?"

"Is he slapping her around?"

"Her mother is bipolar and her father is an alcoholic."

"He set up a 4-banger job. . . "

"I've been through so much worse so I figured, I have nothing to worry about."

"I didn't know he knew we knew. I thought he didn't know we knew but if he knows, then that's fine."

"So I wrote a song about it. . ."

"I have a nose like a bloodhound."

"That ought to be good for intergallactic travel!"

"Actually, I don't watch it anymore. I got over it real quick."

"He hasn't called in two weeks. What did I do?"

"Thanks I got it in Lisbon!"

"Ribbed for her pleasure."

"It's a comfort level thing now."

"Are you gonna be here later?"

"Don't sit here Rick. Just don't!"

"It's more affordable than you think, but you have to give up shit!"

"They better be afraid of me."

"I don't know what I'm going to tell her. I really don't."

"I think grad school was a good decision."

"When will it get better?"

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About Sash

People call me "Sash" because I'm a former beauty queen in my old home town. My father used to ride in an MC which got me interested in the culture. After my last divorce I said "goodbye" to Susie Homemaker and became the naughty, biker chick I always felt inside. (Read more...)